Open and honest
It’s a new tactic for me. I’ve grown up around, and become, the sort of person who keeps everything very much to himself. In my family, you don’t talk about how you feel - it’s a sign of weakness. I have been aware of that for some time, but was happy to accept that that is just the sort of person I am. Like my father is, like my uncles, my mother, my grandparents all are.
Being here in Japan has allowed me to start thinking about myself in far more independent terms. I’ve not seen my family for a few months, and I think that the rut I get into when I’m around them has worn off. Maybe writing here helps, I find that I’m more comfortable now talking about love, and about relationships and about my unfiltered opinions on people, and most crucially about myself. It used to be that I was only ever so open with my best friend, Richard, who I have known since I was 13, and who I have grown up together with. We have so many shared experiences that I always feel comfortable talking to him, and him to me. But now - perhaps because I have been practising here being direct and purposeful - I am having those sorts of conversations with people I’ve only known for a couple of years, or even just a few months.
It’s great, being in Japan. Sure, it’s lonely at times, but being able to talk sincerely to people certainly is better than what I would have previously done, had meaningless conversations and concealed (or perhaps just denied the existence of) my true feelings.
I feel at ease, as if I could stay here, indefinitely and be okay, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really commit to this place whilst I still have unfinished business at home. I dream about swanning into her office and hugging her, her hugging me back and we spending the rest of the day and the ensuring night talking and generally making up for lost time. But, I have to accept the fact that now, as I write this, she has a guy, a great guy who I really like, and that she may never want me as I want her, and as I think she wanted me before I left for Japan.
